FADE IN:
BETH'S OFFICE
Beth's desk is piled up with folders. Beth is casually reading a magazine. Dave enters, from his office, and hands her a couple sheets of typewritten papers.
dave
Beth, could you make a dozen copies of this memo and pass it out to the staff?
beth
No can do, Dave. The copier is broken.
dave
Did you call to get it fixed?
beth
(Droll look)
I'm not stupid...
dave
Well, when are they coming?
beth
I don't know.
dave
But I thought you said you called them.
beth
No. If I wanted it fixed, I would have called.
dave
(Exasperated)
But, why don't you want it fixed?
beth
It's not like I need to make copies. Everybody else does and they bother me to make them. Why would I want to do that?
dave
Well, if you don't mind, I'd really appreciate it if you'd call in a repairperson.
beth
Okay... You do understand that it's not in my job description?
dave
We all have to put in that extra little effort to make the office work smoothly.
Beth picks up the phone receiver.
beth
Next thing you'll be telling me that I'm supposed to do filing.
dave
That does happen to be in your job description.
beth
Whatever...
Dave starts it head back to his office.
beth
Dave, do you really want me to call? Joe's already fixing the copier.
dave
Oh my God!
Dave runs out the main exit to stop Joe's "repairs".
Beth punches in a phone number and talks on the phone.
beth
Quickie-Copier? Yah, this is WNYX. How soon can you get a repairman over? By the way, what are your overtime rates?
Beth puts her foot up on the desk and uses it to shove a pile of folders into a waste can.
FADE OUT TO OPENING CREDITS
FADE IN FROM CREDITS
COPIER AREA
Joe is providing instructions to Matthew who can barely be seen behind the copy machine. Dave enters.
dave
Joe, you can stop fixing the copier. Beth's calling a repair shop now.
Joe
That's bogus! You're always doing that to me. What do those overpaid bozos have that I don't?
dave
I believe it's called a certification to repair these machines.
Joe
A crummy piece of paper. You want certificates, I can show you certificates.
dave
I don't need to see them. Three for five mail order, right?
Joe
That’s awful callous of you. I make my own.
dave
Besides, is that Matthew back there?
Joe
Yah. He's helping me.
dave
Why would you need Matthew's help?
Joe
Matthew?
Matthew pokes his head above the copier. His head and the top half of his body are covered with toner soot.
dave
Why don't you get back to work?
Matthew
Sure...Would it be okay if I got cleaned up?
dave
I'd advise it.
Joe
You're making a mistake, man.
dave
I'll try to live with myself.
fade out
fade in
beth's office
Beth continues dropping folders into trash cans. Lisa enters.
Lisa
Doing the filing I see?
beth
Are you going to squeal to Dave, Lisa?
Lisa
(Defensive and a little embarrassed)
Well...No. Aren't you afraid of throwing out something that's needed?
beth
No. This is my job.
Lisa
I know...But...
Lisa starts leafing through some of the folders in the trash.
beth
This isn't a library. There's no need to keep everything forever.
lisa
There's just so much of it here...
beth
If I left it up to Dave, he'd still have copies of the draft stone tablets for the Ten Commandments.
Lisa
(holding out a folder)
How about this?
beth
(knowing exactly what’s in the folder)
That's Joe's invention folder from last year.
Lisa
There's some neat stuff in here.
beth
Like the remote control toaster?
Lisa
No. Like this pencil extender.
In walk Dave and Jimmy James.
jimmy
I hear your folks are having some trouble.
dave
(perplexed)
How did you hear that? I haven't told anybody about it.
Jimmy
I'm not obliged to reveal my sources. You're going to put in a good word for me with your mother?
dave
I can't get into that right now.
(looking for a distraction)
Lisa! Are you here to see me?
Lisa
Yes. Have you seen this?
dave
Yes, but the nuclear powered pogo stick was way ahead of it's time.
Lisa
I'm talking about this pencil extender. You can put a worn out stub of a pencil in this thing and continue using it instead of throwing it out.
Jimmy
You mean "The Pencillator"?
beth
The Pencillator?
Jimmy
Kind of gives you the chills doesn't it?
Lisa
I didn't know that you'd seen these?
Jimmy
I encourage creativity in all my employees. One of these days, Joe's going to have a great idea...It just hasn't happened yet.
Lisa
This is a really good idea...
Jimmy
In principal. Once you get past the manufacturing and advertising costs, you're spending three to five dollars to save something that costs maybe a dime. It doesn't make economic sense.
Lisa
But it makes environmental sense.
Jimmy
Come again?
Lisa
Every pencil stub that's thrown away adds to the world's waste problems. Multiply roughly a cubic inch of waste times two hundred million Americans throwing out a half dozen stubs per year adds up to nearly seven hundred thousand cubic feet of waste...
Jimmy
Whoa there, little lady. Let's skip the math and get down to dollars and cents.
Lisa
People will buy it because it not only saves money, but it's environmentally responsible.
Jimmy
That puts it in a whole different light. Let me get hold of my marketing guys and see what we can do.
dave
You're not serious are you?
Lisa
(feeling her toes being stepped on)
Dave!
Jimmy
Never discount the amount of money that can be made in the environmental market. I can see the potential.
Beth brings the phone over to Jimmy
beth
Here you are, Mr. James.
Jimmy
Well, thank you, Beth. And you're looking mighty eclectic today.
beth
Thank you, I think.
While Jimmy James is on the phone, Lisa and Dave walk into Dave's office. Dave shuts the door.
dave's office
Lisa
Why are you trying to undermine me in front of Mr. James?
dave
I'm not. I've just got a lot on my mind. My parents are undergoing a trial separation.
Lisa
That's crazy. I thought they loved each other.
dave
So did I. Apparently, they were waiting for my sister to finish college before going their separate ways.
Lisa
It was easier when I left home. My parents bought a dog.
dave
Aren't you a little bothered that you were so easily replaced by an animal?
Lisa
Not really. The dog's a lot happier to see my parents than I ever was.
dave
That's awful.
Lisa
Don't get me wrong. I love them. There's just a time when you've got to get on with your life.
dave
And that's what you think happened with my Mom and Dad.
Lisa
I don't know. Maybe. So, what are you going to do?
dave
What can I do? It's not like they consulted with me before they broke up. And then somehow Mr. James knows about the whole thing almost before I do...
Lisa
So, are you going to get Jimmy a date with your Mom?
dave
(chuckles)
I should. Wouldn't that be a career boost?
Lisa
I wouldn't let that get around the office.
fade out
fade in
main newsroom - BILL APPROACHES MATTHEW AT HIS DESK
Bill
I'm awaiting an important call and have to see Dave in his office. Do you think you can handle it?
Matthew
(Proud to have this responsibility)
Definitely. I won't fail you.
Bill
That's my boy.
Bill leaves Matthew and enters
daves office
without knocking. Dave and Lisa act surprised.
Bill
Can I borrow your phone?
dave
Uh...Okay...
Bill takes the phone off the desk and approaches the window overlooking the newsroom and peeks through the venetian blinds as he punches in a number.
fade out
fade in
main newsroom
Matthew is at his desk sipping coffee as Bill's phone rings. He spills the coffee on himself as he rushes to answer the phone, tripping over himself. By the time he reaches Bill's desk, the phone stops ringing.
fade out
fade in
dave's office
Bill
(Straightfaced)
Thanks.
Bill hands the phone back to Dave and starts to leave.
dave
What was that about?
Bill
Nothing.
Lisa
You know, you're sick.
Bill
Was there something about my conduct that was unbecoming?
Lisa
It's terrible how you keep picking on Matthew.
Bill
I'm just trying to toughen him up. Matthew doesn't stand a chance in the real world.
dave
(Quizzical)
And how's this supposed to help him?
Bill
Some things are too deep for you to understand
Leaves. Dave and Lisa look at each other in shocked amusement.
fade out
fade in
main newsroom
Jimmy
Everybody gather around. We've got an inventor in our midst.
The entire cast starts assembling around one of the desks.
Joe
Who's that?
Jimmy
Why, it's you, my boy...
Matthew
Oh, for a minute I thought it was me.
Bill
You?
Matthew
Yah, I found a way to get the frosting out of an Oreo without cracking the cookie.
Jimmy
That's great Matthew...We'll get to you another time. I'm talking about Joe. He's come up with an invention to save both money and environmental resources.
Joe
I did?
Jimmy
Yes you did. You've come up with a gizmo that allows a person to take a worn out pencil and use it all the way up to the end without having to throw it away. That alone can save this country a whole bunch of waste--
Lisa
Seven hundred thousand cubic feet...
Jimmy
Thank you, Lisa.
Beth
I don't get it. A pencil's like only a dime isn't it?
Bill
Not mine, I get mine free from the office.
Joe
That's not the point. The point is that you shouldn't throw out the pencil just because it's small. It's still usable.
Bill
Well, I'm a pen man myself...
Matthew
Then why do you have so many pencils on your desk?
Bill
I need something to break when I'm stressed.
Matthew
Why don't you break the pens?
Bill
I don't want to get ink all over myself.
dave
You're not one of these people that does the crossword puzzles in ink are you?
Bill
All the time.
dave
(looking at Bill's paper)
Six letter word for Amazon bird--PRZLOT?
Bill
Some people make the mistake of using the more common word, "parrot"
Jimmy
Be that as it may. How soon can you put together a working model of this Pencillator?
Joe
I can get you something tomorrow.
jimmy
Good! Because I've scheduled you for a press conference on Thursday.
Joe
No can do. I don't do press conferences.
Jimmy
Oh, don't be scared. This is a chance for the world to see what you can do.
Joe
I'm not getting up in front of an office...
Jimmy
I'm not going to twist your arm. If you can't do it, you can't.
(calling somebody off-camera)
Lance. Come over here.
A fashion model perfectly coifed guy in a suit walks in. Beth's interested.
Jimmy
This is Lance Preston. He'll be subbing for Joe at the press conference.
Joe
No, he won't.
Jimmy
Don't worry. It happens all the time. Sometimes you get a guy who looks like Matthew that invents a new exercise machine, but you hire somebody like Arnold Schwarzenegger to sell it. You wouldn't buy an exercise machine from somebody who looks like Matthew, would you?
Matthew
I know I wouldn't.
Joe
No pretty boy in a suit is going to take my place.
Jimmy
That's my boy.
(to Lance)
I guess we won't be needing your services.
Lance
Does this mean I'm not getting paid?
Jimmy
Don't worry. You've already done your job.
beth
(jumping up, bubbly)
Mr. James! Mr. James! Can I have him?
Jimmy
(compassionately)
Why not, he's already paid for.
Beth grabs Lance’s tie and drags him out of the office.
beth
(to Lance)
Have you ever been tied up before?
Lance shoots a terrified look at Jimmy just as he's yanked off camera.
Bill quietly exits the scene.
Jimmy
You’ll be there in a suit, won’t you?
Joe
I'm not wearing any monkey suit.
Jimmy
You've got to play the game. Businessmen judge you by your appearance.
Joe
I don't care. They can judge me however they want. I am who I am.
Jimmy
I can respect that. However, if you want me to bankroll this enterprise, you've got to do things my way. Image is important here and right now your image says, "Can I check your oil" instead of "Buy my product."
Joe
Maybe you ought to get Lance for this.
Jimmy
If I can get him out of Beth's clutches.
Joe
Seriously, what's this worth?
Jimmy
For you, upwards to six figures.
Joe
I don’t have a suit.
Jimmy
No problem, I’ll get you one. Tell Beth to arrange a visit with my tailor.
Cranes his neck, looking for beth
...If you can find Beth...
The phone on Bill's desk rings. Matthew bolts over the desks to answer it, tripping all over the place to get to it. By the time he reaches the desk, the phone stops ringing.
BETH'S OFFICE
Bill hangs up the phone.
fade out to commerical
fade in from commercial
station announcement room (call letters in background)
A small audience is gathering while Jimmy is ruffling through his notes at the podium. Joe and Dave are conferencing in a corner. Lisa, Bill, and Beth are mingling. Matthew is not there.
dave
You're not nervous, are you?
Joe
(Hands shaking a little, squeaky voice)
No...
(Clears throat, voice a little lower, still higher than normal, still nervous)
Not me, Mr. Cool.
dave
What I always do to relax in front of an audience is to imagine that everybody is naked
Joe
Man, that's sick!
dave
Wait--
Joe
Hey man, I don't want to know about your sexual fantasies...
dave
Let's try something different. There's a guy back there--
Joe
(Getting a little belligerent)
Which guy?
dave
Just a guy...who says this is the stupidest thing he's ever heard of...
Joe
(Sounding like the old Joe)
Point him out!
dave
This is just an example...
Joe
No, man, you show me who said that!
dave
(Hesitates and points to the biggest guy he can see)
That guy.
Joe lunges forward and Dave steps in front of him to hold him back.
dave
Are you crazy? That guy's twice your size.
Joe keeps pushing and starts sliding Dave forward.
Joe
I don't care. I'm like the Hulk.
dave
You mean you're green and ugly.
Joe
No, man. The madder I get, the stronger I get.
dave
That's just what he wants.
Joe
What?
dave
He wants you mad. He wants you to screw up. You get up on that stage and sell the Pencillator.
Joe
(Calming down)
Right...
(Shouting to the Big Guy Dave pointed to)
You're mine when this is over...
Big Guy looks quizzically at Joe.
Joe
...Oh yah...
Lisa stops Bill.
Lisa
Where's Matthew?
Bill
He's back in the office watching my phone.
Lisa
Nobody's going to call you.
Bill
Are you calling me a liar?
Lisa
(Defensive)
No...
Bill
I should think now. If you'll excuse me, I've got to make a call.
Bill walks around the corner to a phone, dials a number...
main newsroom
close-up on matthew with the camera pulling back revealing a cityscape of buildings made of playing cards
Matthew is busy putting more cards together as the phone rings, causing him to jerk and demolishing the houses of cards.
conversation cuts back and forth between matthew and bill
Matthew
Bill McNeil's desk!
Bill
Any calls yet?
Matthew
Not yet.
Bill
You're sure...
Matthew
(Hesitates)
Well...not really...
Bill
(Elongating the name)
Matthew?
Matthew
I might have gone to the little boy's room...
Bill
And what if a call came in while you were busy relieving yourself?
Matthew
Oh my gosh!
Bill
You see where I'm coming from...
Matthew
Bill, I'm real sorry. I won't let it happen again.
Bill
And what if you have another emergency?
Matthew
(Looking around the desk)
I've got my coffee cup!
Bill
You're sure that it's your cup?
Matthew
(Holding the cup to the phone)
Oh yeah...See, it says Matthew on it.
Bill
You're a good boy, Matthew. I see I picked the right man for the job.
Matthew hangs up the phone, looking very satisfied.
station announcement room (call letters in background)
two shot of jimmy and beth at podium
beth
I don't know how you can always remain so calm talking in front of people.
Jimmy
You get used to it...and I have a little trick...
beth
Like picturing the audience is naked?
Jimmy
No, that's Dave's twisted little fantasy. No...I like to imagine that I'm naked in front of the audience.
SCRIPT TERMINATED
This was as far as I got writing the script. Click here for my thoughts on the rest of the story and what I was trying to do with it.